I’ve been sick. I was actively sick for about a week and have been dragging with exhaustion in the couple of weeks since then. Before somebody gets the idea that our times are worse than all times that have come before it because of Covid, this bout of recent illness rather reminds me of the old days when my immune system didn’t function very well and illnesses that dragged on like this were simply part of my reality. My immune system didn’t improve until I gave up wheat and dealt with severe zinc and vit D deficiencies.
Living in the world is not perfect and will never be perfect, however. Illnesses come and go. Sometimes, they are severe and knock people down; that’s why I’ve been at a loss to understand why people are in such a panic over Covid. To me, it’s just a part of life, another struggle, another assault like any other. But I’ve also never been prone to anxiety. Don’t get me wrong — I’ve felt anxiety at moments. I know it isn’t any fun to be anxious; it’s a somewhat harrowing feeling, and I’m thankful I don’t constantly live in it. Hear me out for a moment: it doesn’t change anything. A feeling of anxiety might cause a person to react in negative ways to the world around them, but the feeling itself doesn’t change material reality.
This exhaustion has led me to giving up my usual routine and focusing only on the immediate tasks I need to do for work and my family. I’m very given towards routine. It’s hard to give mine up. I’m not much of a planner; I’m not terribly organized. But I follow a routine that normally keeps me fit, keeps my house clean and my yard looking decent, keeps me writing books and following all the hobbies that keep me ticking. I’m sure I’ll find the energy to bring my old routine back. I know the way these long illnesses work — I’ve already said as much. Baby steps are key, as well as absorbing every available spot of joy I can find. Finding a sense of continuity so that the world doesn’t feel chaotic is essential.
Over the years, when recovering from these illnesses, it’s usually music that brings me back to life. Binge-watching TV gets old. Books are all right, but it’s hard to read when my eyeballs are seared into my brain like hot pokers. Music, on the other hand, is easy. Music hits the soul and mind simultaneously and can elevate both. I still fondly remember the tunes that brought me hope twenty-odd years ago. I might not even like the artists who made the songs, or — let’s be honest — the songs themselves. For example, when I was about twenty-five, I remember dragging myself up and staring out the window over the kitchen sink to see the New Mexico sky and the landscape filled with the barest hints of spring, and I had a sudden hankering to turn on the hand-crank radio that sat on the windowsill. The radio was set to a pop station, which I rarely listen to, and the song that was playing was Nelly Furtado’s Like a Bird. Oddly, the song sounded amazing to my ears, and I later bought the album…though, again, pop music just isn’t usually my thing.
I know you must be waiting with bated breath for the great song reveal that has brought me hope this time around. Well, yes, there is one. It’s rather strange. Of course, it’s a Mexican song; what else would it be? This post illness exhaustion happened to coincide with my son’s days back at school, and for unknown reasons, one of the local Mexican stations has been playing a song by Grupo Pegasso called Cosas del Amor every day at the same time when I’m driving to my son’s school. It’s not a new song at all — I do not know what DJ has queued this particular song up to play every day at the same moment like a cuckoo clock: time to pick up your son. But there it is. The song is magical. I can’t deny it, and now it’s constantly playing in my head. Sometimes, when I’m exhausted and I lie down for a rest, I put the song on at home, too, and imagine I could float away in it. Maybe I could become the song. Do you ever have such fancies, that you could float away into the ether as you become music? I’m probably slightly insane, but it’s something I fantasize about all the time. Maybe I’ll catch a ride on the back of a flying horse, as a pegasso is exactly what it sounds like it is…or I believe so. I believe! I believe!
If you want to listen to this magical song for yourself, here it is:
Jill Domschot 